This is Not Working

... it really isn't. This is the second freewrite I did tonight.

***

This is not working. You look at him and open your mouth to speak or kiss. You're not sure which. But you definitely know this is not working.

He intimidates you- how confusing. You see a little sparkle in his iris- of the streetlights and yellow lamps and yes, maybe the red light from the gas gauge. There's that little glint, almost as if he knows, but you know he doesn't and maybe that makes you a prick but guess what? It's true.

But you're too timid to try anything. You think of all the implications, you think of the awkward immediate future. You always tell people to "live in the moment". "Go for it!" and you're a fucking hypocrite because the only hand that's holding you back now is your own.

And before you know it, you convince yourself that nothing will happen anyways. He's going a good 20 over the speed limit- literally, but you're not keeping pace- symbolically. If the car didn't exist, you'd be left at the start.

So now you're pulling up along the curb- dark street. Somehow, they forgot the street lamps here. You linger a while, procrastinating. But wait. Did you just compare him to a piece of homework?

A moment, music filling the silence, thank goodness. You think about working up your nerve but he smiles and gets out of the car to walk you up. Goddammit. You liked that song too!

There's still hope- maybe. But now you're at the door, saying how it was a great evening. God, he is smoking in a t-shirt and dress pants.

He leans in. You will your heart to start beating faster, but then he hugs you and says goodbye and when you're standing on the inside welcome mat, you make yourself smile but secretly think

Fuck.